Struggling with relationship dynamics right now? In this video post, I share some strategies I use to help me when I am triggered by someone else. When we give ourselves space, compassion and time to align with our inner world, we emerge out the other side in a much calmer and wiser state. We also avoid the pitfalls that create more disharmony down the line. I hope this encourages you today.
This is a message to my coaching friends,
As a spiritual care provider and wellness coach, I'm a true believer in the limitless potential of the coach-client relationship. I've seen transformation occur in relatively short periods when authentic connection is made. However, one of the most challenging aspects I've witnessed for coaches without a clinical background are the unknowns around what is appropriate to address in coaching and when it is best to refer to a licensed therapist.
Some coaches are unsure how to navigate challenging behaviours and content such as disclosure of childhood abuse or domestic violence, emotional dysregulation (outbursts of anger, sadness or hopelessness) avoidance and procrastination (can be very frustrating when trying to help a client move forward!), financial troubles, addictions, projection, blame and judgement toward others, to name a few.
From the healing work I have done in my own life and the work I've done for the past 20 years in community and institutional mental health, I believe the root of most, if not all of these behaviours lies in unprocessed trauma in the body and mind.
Trauma can be an area coaches feel unqualified to work in. If they do address it there’s the fear of leading someone into the unknown or being disapproved of because they are not licensed practitioners. In any setting, there are always key factors that must be considered. If a client discloses or threatens harm to herself or another, or is involved in something illegal, this is 100% the time to act and connect them to a medical or mental health professional. Prescription medications should only be managed under the supervision of a medical doctor. It is essential for anyone working with people to be mindful of these areas.
But the reality of life is that trauma affects all of us, a lot of the time. Many of us find ourselves working through our own traumatic memories along with our clients. During these times, it can be difficult to discern what is ours and what is theirs. I see this as part of the human experience and something to be aware of. And we need appropriate boundaries in place to manage it. Being trauma-informed is not about digging up the past and dissecting it but understanding how trauma impacts us and normalizing it.
Over the past two decades, I’ve learned how to recognize and respond to triggers and symptoms of trauma personally and professionally. It has made all the difference in my ability to empathetically and authentically connect with my clients. I felt a strong pull to share what I’ve learned and combine this with the knowledge and experience of mental health professionals who specialize in treating trauma. And most importantly, I felt the need to open this up to all helping professionals to empower and equip them to support their clients as they heal. There are many practices and tools that any helping professional can apply in situations where they feel ill-equipped, from an experiential point of view.
If you see yourself or a coach you know benefitting from this approach, I'd like to invite you to our upcoming event on October 25th; The Intuitive Wellness Summit. This is a daylong event filled with educational and experiential learning around a holistic approach to trauma. You'll learn simple and powerful practices that help keep you in balance and alignment first. Then we will be providing hands-on tools to assist in client emotional awareness and body/mind relaxation so you can lead and support your clients during those difficult moments. We'll also be sharing trauma-release techniques for deep mind/body connections.
In a relaxed, retreat-like setting 10 minutes north of Toronto, you'll have an opportunity to meet others in the field and connect to larger circles of clinicians and therapists should you need to refer a client. It will be an inspirational and informative day you won’t want to miss.
If you'd like to learn more please visit our event page and meet our presenters. We’d also like to extend preferred professional coaching pricing to you for $50 off your registration rate. Just enter the code CONNECT when you register to receive this offer. If you have any questions feel free to contact us anytime at info@shaunamayer.com
We would love to support you as you support others. Hope you can join us for this very special training day.
Warmly,
Shauna
shaunamayer.com/specialevents
I am honoured to be featured in Phaze2 Corporate Health and Wellness’ blog this month.
Thank you Trish Tonaj for supporting this work!
Read the feature here
I see you running your child to therapy when your friends are running their kids to parties and sports.
I see you slipping out of the conversation when your friends are all chiming in about milestones and school grades.
I see you constantly juggling appointments and meetings.
I see you sitting at your computer for hours researching what your child needs.
I see you cringe when people whine about what feels like petty things.
I see you spread thin but still going that extra mile for your family.
I see you digging for depths of strength you never dreamed of.
I see you showing appreciation to the teachers, therapists and medical professionals who serve your child with you.
I see you rising early in the morning to do it all again after another chaotic night.
I see you when you are at the end of your tether, hanging on for dear life.
I know you feel invisible, like nobody notices any of it. But I want you to know I notice you. I see you relentlessly pushing onward. I want you to know you’re beautiful. I want you to know it’s worth it. I want you to know you aren’t alone. I want you to know love is what matters most, and you have that nailed.
And on those days when you have breakthroughs, those times when hard work pays off and success is yours to cherish, I see you then too, and I am proud of you.
Whichever day today is, you’re worthy, you’re good and I see you.
Author Unknown
What is intuition? And how can we access it to build authentic connections with our kids?
Intuition is defined as “The ability to know or understand something based on your feelings rather than just facts.”
The greatest leaps in my journey as a parent came from decisions based on intuitive knowing. This approach helped me through challenging circumstances and brought clarity when a major decision was required. This ability is not just for a chosen few. Everybody has it. Some just haven’t developed it as much as others. Accessing intuition can be taught and strengthened just like any other skill. And can be an invaluable tool for parents searching for answers as life moves forward.
Mindvalley University put out a video recently about their 4-day intuitive training program. They are projecting in 10 years intuitive training will be a regular part of the workplace. And in 20 years it will be taught in schools like geography and math. In 20 years our children will be grown and we’ll have made a lot of big decisions that will have had a significant impact on our happiness and health. So wouldn’t it be helpful to learn how to access and deepen intuition today?
Teaching others how to access intuition in parenting (and in every area of life) is something I love doing. I have found my intuition to be the greatest tool in my parenting toolbox. Of course, it’s important to educate yourself on interventions and supports available around you. And it’s encouraging to take advice from others who found a strategy or therapy helpful. As for inner resources, having a strong ability to tap into a wiser connection has the potential to transform your life and your relationships.
It doesn’t happen all at once. It’s like working out. You train and practice regularly until your intuitive muscle gets stronger. At first, you may use aids and need some guidance to get you started. And eventually you can access your inner guidance on your own wherever you are, whatever you are doing. We start to care less what others think or do and focus on what feels right to us.
So what does accessing intuition look like?
First, it’s important to understand that intuitive knowing comes to us in different ways because we are all different. Much like our personalities are unique, so too are our inner guidance systems.
When I began developing my intuitive skills 10 years ago, I started gradually through quieting my mind and following guided exercises from experienced teachers. It wasn’t long until an extra-sensory ability emerged. I was caught off guard at first. I wasn’t sure if I was making it up or not. After a while I knew it was authentic. What I had developed was the capacity to “see” into people’s greatness. I don’t mean “seeing” in the visual sense, it’s more of a knowing that comes, seemingly out of nowhere. I can be with someone for a short period of time and a unique level of understanding pops into my awareness; this knowing of their true nature and highest potential. There are times I do receive detailed images and words, but that feeling of knowingness is far more common. And when that knowing comes, I confirm it is inner guidance based on how I feel, so being in touch with emotions as they come and go is an important foundation.
Dysregulated or blocked emotions stifle intuitive knowing. Learning how to name and trust the energy of emotion instead of fighting, denying or repressing it is the gateway to greater connection within.
Emotional awareness and intuitive knowing were incredible assets when I worked in spiritual care in correctional services. For nearly a decade, I worked with women who were returning to the community after serving time in federal prison. The support groups and retreats I ran were always popular. Participating in my program was voluntary and I did no recruiting, only through word of mouth and maybe a posted sign-up sheet. Many of my colleagues asked what my secret was. Why did so many women choose to attend?
It wasn’t because I was a top-notch facilitator. It was because deep inside people are longing for a language to express how they really feel and to be seen for who they truly are.
My intuition gave me a snapshot of their soul purpose which was a stark contrast to the labels they had received as inmates. I could see past the criminalization into the their true nature. In a climate where women were judged often and harshly, I didn’t need help developing a non-judgmental approach. I just treated them as though they had already become that version I saw. This created connection and trust. It allowed them space to let their guard down. If they were interested in moving closer to their true selves, we worked together over a period of time to build their inner resources to allow their true self to step out into the world. This inner connection empowered many of the women and helped them build a better life for their families. When you believe you are capable and have a purpose, you respect yourself so you make better choices. I can’t think of a better rehabilitation than that.
We can have a tendency to view our children through the labels they are given. Sometimes labels are helpful and bring clarity. Other times they can be negative and limiting. When we start to view our children through the lens of intuition, only the highest aspects of them come through. We are operating at the most refined level. The judgments, fears and doubts we carry around in our every day experiences take a back seat to a higher wisdom that is confident, balanced and true. Our children feel the difference. They know connection better than most adults do and they respond to it when they feel its presence.
Our minds are busy. We have a lot of responsibility in life. Developing a practice that brings greater calm and intuitive knowing into our lives can help us in countless ways. It saves us time, energy and drama.
Getting started is easier than you may think. It starts with creating a little space to be still enough to tune in to the wisdom we carry inside. Breathing deeply is one easy way to start. Just start by creating some space in your lungs. You can try that right now. Take three slow, deep breaths and notice how you feel.
Notice if there is tension anywhere in your body. If you find some tense areas continue to breath and take notice of the area that has the strongest sensation. Focus on that area and take another deep breath. Your body has a message for you. Use your intuition to hear what the message is by asking that sensation “What do I need to know?” Notice if any words, images or ideas come to your awareness. Write them down if you can. You’ve just tapped into your intuitive knowing. If nothing clear came to you that’s perfectly fine. Just continue with your deep breaths and notice if the sensation has changed at all. Try this exercise again and see what happens. You do have this innate ability.
We all have an inner compass that knows what is best for us. Developing intuition can help to build greater connection and trust with our children by building greater connection and trust with ourselves. There is an answer for everything we seek. And those answers are already within us.
Sometimes we lose sight of the big picture when we are lost in the fog of exceptional parenting. This week I want to share a simple quote that brought me encouragement and hope when I was at my lowest point. May this affirm and uplift you today.
“So I say to you, stay strong and know you are doing one of the most difficult things I have witnessed. You may feel alone, but you aren’t alone. Your courage and bravery are creating not only a better world for your children, but for the world right now and for generations to come. And as you teach your children about love, have compassion and love for yourself and the journey you are on.”
~ Gretchen Schmelzer
Parenting is tough.
Raising a child with special needs or sensitivities is an unimaginable level above tough. It is complex, exhausting, and bewildering at times. As a parent of an exceptional child (and a neurotypical child too) I know all too well how chaotic things can become and how easily we get triggered by everyday life. I know because I’ve lived it for 18 years.
My son’s autism diagnosis came in early 2007. My daughter was just 11 months old. Not long after, I went through a divorce and my son was diagnosed with ADHD and generalized anxiety as well. The grief that came from the social worries, doctor’s visits, lack of school support, financial insecurity, insensitivity of well-meaning people and isolation from the life I once knew was all-consuming. Nobody can prepare you for the emotional, at times, traumatic experiences special needs parenting brings. The daily obstacles that must be navigated with no reference point or guide. In those early years I was overwhelmed, full of self-doubt and guilt, anxious and exhausted. A few friendships provided me some support and understanding but only those with exceptional children themselves really knew what I was going through. I leaned heavily on them then felt guilty about it. They had their own children to care for.
What I was searching for was space to let my guard down. Unwavering support. A mentor. A guide.
Someone to tell me, “It’ll be okay. Things are hard now but you can do this and do it well.”, “It WILL get easier!”
I needed a non-judgemental cheerleader who would accept me, listen to me, and share their experiences as a parent so I felt less alone. I needed to witness someone who had lived and thrived with an exceptional child. It would have lifted my spirits and calmed my frazzled nerves. Someone who could validate my experiences and help me and my child be our best. Someone to help me navigate the rough waters with greater ease.
After years of searching I found who I had been looking for.
That person is me. I became the support I wished for.
I reached this place of autonomy with the help of a network of people I reached out to over the years; my supportive extended family, a caring naturopath, an empathetic family doctor, a loving yoga teacher and a supportive energy healer. I learned how to calm my nervous system and express my feelings, something I had not been taught how to do. I invested thousands in therapy and self development. I studied metaphysics and how to work with energy. Under the care of my beloved teacher, I learned the art of Classical yoga and became more aware and present in my mind and body. I created a consciousness card system that helped regulate emotional states and align with higher ones. I strengthened my intuitive abilities and learned to trust myself again. And the greatest learning of all;
I realized that my needs mattered.
I discovered my well-being was essential for my success as a parent and as a human being. I awakened to the knowing that if I could funnel all the love and compassion I had for my child to myself first, I would have an easier, more enjoyable, even inspiring life.
Sometimes I wish I could go back to help my 26 year-old self; sleep deprived, depressed and grief-stricken. The mom who saw her social circles inch away slowly because she didn’t have the energy for socializing and her child didn’t act like other children did. The one who went from specialist to specialist trying to find answers and solutions. Or the 30 year-old me, with a newborn, a struggling marriage and a 4 year-old who was labelled a “flight risk” at school. Managing daily meltdowns from separation anxiety and sensory overload from his kindergarten classroom. The one who pored over cookbooks in search of foods that didn’t trigger eczema or diarrhea. Or who searched constantly for schools, programs and professionals hoping to find one that could support my son.
Fast forward to present day. My son is just about to turn 18 and he is thriving. He has matured, mastered skills far beyond other people’s expectations and he has, with incredible bravery, overcome countless obstacles. He has healed physically and emotionally from those early traumas. Many of the symptoms affecting him have drastically minimized. Some of the more troublesome symptoms have dissolved completely. He is an extraordinary human being.
I devoted over a decade to his special needs care and development. My education was my everyday life; the highest form of learning I have known. I put off post-graduate education and higher paying jobs for a lower paying job that allowed me, as a single parent, flexibility if the school called with a crisis or one of the kids was ill. And I don’t regret it. I am so grateful for all of it. Those years, as tough as they were, made me into the parent and the person I am today. Someone with more patience, tolerance and compassion. Someone who is creative and resourceful and wise.
Both my children are kind, compassionate, artistically gifted, responsible human beings. Our life now is not without its hiccups, but we have found our groove. We can laugh and enjoy each other’s company. We can vision about the future together without chaos and crisis clouding our dreams.
The past 18 years gifted me with a compassion for parents so deep that it compelled me to leave my 20 year career in social services to start a wellness practice that includes support for exceptional parents. One that includes many of the practices and approaches that helped me the most. Offering the kind of support I wished I had and the validation I so desperately needed 18 years ago.
I now have the time and energy to focus on what other parents need in their complex lives. My greatest joy is offering encouragement and intuitive guidance to help meet their needs in creative and inspiring ways. And most importantly, my passion is helping parents access their greatness and cultivate the support they need from within. This takes dedicated time, presence, compassion and affirmation and can be incredibly comforting when it comes from someone who has walked a similar path.
If you can relate to my story, I applaud you for the incredible bravery and resilience you’ve harnessed so far on your journey. The world needs you and your unique gifts as much as your child and family need you now. If you would like to meet with me for a free 30-minute online session, send me an email. I’d love to hear your story and offer my heart-felt support.
You are worth it.
